"America is like a healthy body and its resistance is threefold: its patriotism, its morality, and its spiritual life. If we can undermine these three areas, America will collapse from within."
--Joseph Stalin

Sunday, July 3, 2005

Confessions of a Closet Speciesist: Pass the Steak Sauce Please

Will Malven

Okay, Okay, I admit it, I’m speciesist. 

There, I feel better already.  It’s out now and I can talk about it.  I like a good steak now and then; medium-rare, usually with a nice baked potato slathered in butter and sour cream.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love animals.  Some of my best friends are animals.  I just don’t want my sister to marry one. 

Yes, I’m a speciesist. I eat my brother animals, and you know what?  I don’t feel guilty about it one little bit.  In fact I love to.  There are very few things in life better than a properly cooked slab of dead cow.  Heck, I didn’t even know what a speciesist was until Friday, when I read a site promoting religion as a mental disease (shows you the mentality of these PETAs), and it said essentially, that being religious made one a speciesist (among other things). 

Actually that’s not all true, I kind of knew what one was because I have followed the fatuous psychopaths in PETA and their misanthropic activities with a passing interest. I do not believe that animals should have the same rights as people. 

Now, as I said, I do love my pets, and very likely I would mess you up pretty bad if I ran across you abusing some poor animal.  I don’t tolerate cruelty to any creature very well.  Heck, I’m a southern boy and I don’t even hunt, strange as that may seem.  I don’t object to someone else doing it, I just don’t see the point to it.  I don’t like venison, never have.  I much prefer a nice juicy K.C. Strip or Sirloin...or maybe a T-bone.  I might even prefer a nice roasted Tyson chicken, as long as I don’t have to kill it, I don’t mind it. 

Of course, if I had to for survival, I would have no problem doing so, I just don’t like getting blood on my clothes.  As I said, animals are not people.  Of course I can understand how some of those PETA people could get confused; I mean have you seen them?  They behave like...like...animals. 

Heck, animals don’t even speak very clearly.  Did you ever have a conversation with your cat?  It’s kind of one sided. 

“Hey Charlie, how’re you doing little guy?” 


“Really? Well what did you do today?” 


You get the picture, it’s like talking to a...well...a cat.    Dog conversation’s pretty much the same.  “Woof woof!” It gets boring pretty fast if your looking for a deeper meaning. 

On the other hand, a dog or cat can give you endless hours of fun and entertainment chasing string or fetching things.  They will certainly surprise you with what they can do and as a burglar deterrent; nothing beats a nice vocal dog or two.
Look folks, as much fun as it might be to believe that Dr. Doolittle is a true story about a veterinarian, who discovered a higher intelligence in the animal kingdom, it’s a fairy tale.  Bambi is a Disney cartoon.  Deer don’t talk and skunks don’t call themselves “flower.”  Sorry, but that is reality. 

PETA has an odious little saying that goes something like this: 

“A rat is a cat is a dog is a boy.”  

This reflects their insane belief that there is some sort of moral equivalency between using a rat in a laboratory experiment and using a human being.  This is not just wrong; it is seriously delusional, bordering on psychotic.  Dolphins and Porpoises don’t talk, nor do whales, any more than do a pack of dogs.  Gorillas that “speak” by signing, are capable of very limited abstract thought, but that does not make them the moral equivalent of human beings.

The bottom line is that if you’re a “vegan” or a vegetarian, more power to you.  I’ve done that sometimes just for health reasons. However, don’t stick your animal worshiping, anti-human, PETA nose in my business. 

I want drug companies to continue to test on animals before they test on human beings. Most sane people do. 

I believe that I do own my pet, I’m not a caretaker or adoptive parent of it, I am a pet-owner (as if anyone actually owns a cat). 

I believe that milk is good for you unless your lactose intolerant, that butter, being a natural product, is better for you, in moderation, than margarine. 

I consume all kinds of products that have been tested on a variety of animals, food colorings and artificial sweeteners, food preservatives and additives, toiletries and drugs.  All of them proven safe by testing on our lesser animal brethren. 

I am very grateful for their sacrifices; they have made society a much more pleasant place to live, especially for my nose.  People stink, and I am glad that there are such things as soap, deodorant, and cologne. I wear leather shoes and belts colored with dyes which have been tested for allergic reaction on animals. This is the way it should be.

There are quite a few facts that the idiots of PETA should be aware of, but the most important one is,

No matter how much you love your cat, or your cat loves you, if you were ten inches tall, he’d eat you. 

One thing about those PETA people, I do like their bread. 

Uh . . . excuse me, is it “all you can eat rib night” at the local barbecue?  Sorry I gotta go see how much animal flesh I can consume . . . gotta get my money’s worth . . . $10.00 for half a cow?  Now that’s a deal.

Long Live Our American Republic!!!

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